5. A Pirate's Fiance - Forever Pirate
You gotta love a good ol' historical fiction story. Or at least one that tries to be. Enter A Pirate's Fiance (yes "fiance" is spelled wrong) This fanfic is relatively new and has only a few chapters but it is still one of my guilty pleasures.
A Pirate's Fiance takes place during the Golden Age of *drum roll* Pirates! I'll be you had no idea what it was going to be! Ah well, I digress. Anyways, the story basically moves all the canon characters into this period, subtracts their magical abilities and wands and replaces it with a bad ripoff of Pirates of the Carribean! Our main character Hermione, is an ideal 18th century lady who gets mixed up with some pirates and will be paired with none other than Draco Malfoy, hence the picture above.
Now if I handed this over to some history majors I'm pretty sure they would have a fine time bashing and pointing out the many historical inaccuracies. The reason I put this at number 5 on my list is because the Suethor had a good idea but just... lost focus. It could have been much cooler if, say Draco and Hermione were zapped into the 1700s onto a pirate ship. How awesomely entertaining would that be? But instead, the Suethor decided to take a more... OOC route with plot holes the size of Canada.
So you're probably wondering why I even put it on the list since I've bashed it so much? Because I love pirates. Do not ask me why but there's some reason that I just love to imagine stories about pirates. And in this fanfic I love to think about how it could have been written. Hermione could have been a pistol-toting, corset wearing badass and Draco could have been the guy wicked with the sword who served as a magnificent bastard and love interest.
But even though it has its historical flaws, it's still a weird kind of addictive. And you gotta love addicting stuff that won't actually harm you!
Favorite Quote: "The dreaded corset! She never understood why all girls had to wear them and not breathe while men got a free pass on the evil thing!" - the unseen narrator
4. The Twilight of Darkness - LadyGoddess
Now I would have put this further on this list but 2 reasons held me back
a. This fanfic is fairly new and is still in progress and unabandoned
b. After a particularly nasty response rasberrybomb received from the Suethor regarding a review she'd written for the fanfic, my guilty pleasure sort of went down a few points (see deleterius for the review) and I felt the fanfic was unworthy of gaining a higher spot afterward.
However, it being a bad fanfic that provides me with instant guilty pleasure it still makes the list. And boy, is it a doozy, but a good kind. The Twilight of Darkness is about a girl named Serena Moon (original name, huh?) who
Now the main character herself is pretty blase and didn't receive much thought or substance. It's the people, places, and things around her that take the cake. For instance take her pet cat/panther Luna: "a rare magical panther deep in the woods. But many people wanted to kill it and harvest its parts. She knew that I would find a good home for it. But Luna, she is different than most magical creatures. Soon, her telepathic abilities will emerge. Later on, she will be able to morph into a panther that stands taller than a horse. She will protect you. Also, her eyes are purple in case you haven’t noticed. That allows her to see through any magic.” She also possesses a wand but I don't want to bore you with the lengthiness of that description. And I love how everyone just revolves around her like she's God incarnate ranging from her teachers to love interests to random people she instantly befriends (yes they're canon characters).
This Speshul Sue-ness gives the reader a combination of WTF and the urge to burst out laughing. It's kind of like something you'd say when you accidentally broke your mother's favorite vase. "Hey mom, I may have broken your Swedish vase but at least I didn't write The Twilight of Darkness!!" And even though a lot of the stuff in the story is cringe inducing the writing is still pretty captivating (though it does get a bit dry at some parts), all putting together one of the most hilaribad fanfic's I've read!
Favorite Quote: I lied! I am going to display the wand description! "We have waited so long for you, Light Bringer! I never thought that the wielder of this wand would be found in my lifetime. This is a very unique wand and there is no other like it. My ancestor forged it long ago. She set out on a search for the rarest of rare trees and she found it after years of hard work. The Legendary Silverbell. She made an offering to the tree of her own blood to show how she had toiled to reach the tree. And the tree was so moved by her offering and her dedication, so much so that it willingly gave her a single branch that was already perfectly wand shaped. She took the branch and infused it with a quintuple magical core. One type of rare core for each of the elements and all of them were given willingly, which is unheard of. For Air, the heart-scale from an albino dragon; a dragon never gives up its heart-scale because it covers and protects its heart. For Fire, the Original Phoenix from which all Phoenixes are descended gave up a primary flight feather. For Water, the Princess of the Mermaids gave up her Eternal Pearl which grants the princess awesome power. For Earth, a rare black unicorn gave up a braid of hair from its forelock. Its magic is concentrated there because of the close proximity to the horn; she also soaked the braid in her own tears that were blessed by her horn. And Lastly, for Spirit, a very rare thing happened: every couple hundred thousand years, one of the Muses dies to make way for a new Muse to inspire humanity. The last gift was the last breath of a dying Muse. Muses are spirits themselves and being so close to death doubles their spiritual power. To prevent this powerful wand from falling into the wrong hands, my ancestor placed a powerful pentagram on the bottom of the hilt. The five points are marked: Yellow Topaz for Air, Ruby for Fire, Blue Sapphire for Water, Emerald for Earth, and Diamond for Spirit. Inside each of the stones is a part of the element they represent. Some oxygen for Air, an tiny eternal flame for Fire, a single drop of water for Water, a seed for Earth, and liquid silver to represent Spirit. This pentagram prevents anyone but the destined wielder from owning the wand. It waited for thousands of years for the one that could wield it. You are that One.” - Ollivander
3. Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen - BeckyMac666
A shitload of cocaine.
What do these things have in common? They're all used in the infamous fanfic Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen (why, yes that is how it's spelled!) written by BeckyMac666 who might just be Tara Gilesbie under a different username considering the sheer WTF it radiates. The story involves a girl named Atlantiana Rebekah Loren "Tiana" for short and her whirlwind romance with Edward, the endless amount of drugs she consumes, her oblivious guardians, and a walking, talking, gay panda named Snoofles. I repeat, a walking, talking, gay panda named Snoofles. No reader, you are not high!
When I first read this story I thought it was bullshit. I could care less about it for the first week or so until I thought "Hrm... maybe I could read it again...." So I did. And then I realized that it was guily pleasure gold. Everything was hilarious from Edward's Shakespearean language and "throbbing lavender man-fruit thing" along with Jacob the Werewolf King's "horible wet mushroom." It's times like these where I truly mourn at what society has come to...
I would put this at number 2 if it wasn't so similar to My Immortal with the bad spellings and names and descriptions. Though the spelling is a teensy bit more legible. Also, as I've said before, the writing seems very similar to Tara Gilesbie's.
Favorite Quote: "'it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!' i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.
'u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!' he said laughing a lot" - Tiana and Dave
2. A Collision with Hope - hopewashere04
Yeah, yeah I know I'm going to get pelted with apples when I mention this to those who read this fanfic and truly liked it. But hey, I have my opinion and you have yours and you've heard this speech from 50,000,000 other people but still!
My opinion. My journal. Piss off if you disagree.
Anyways now that I've got that little disclaimer out of the way, let's purge on to the plot! A Collision with Hope is the story of an add-on character named, you guessed it, Hope. She spends her sixth and seventh years at Hogwarts alluring all the guys at school, being attacked, given amnesia,
stalked lusted after by Draco Malfoy, sent weird perverted gifts, all while maintaing that perfect seven-octave singing voice and batting her glistening silver eyes! Don't you just love a good-old-fashioned Sparklypoo?
I will say that this fanfic does get better the further you delve into it. The main characters sheds a lot of the sparkly Sue qualities, the plot kicks into gear and we see a lot of the characters in canon and a few new characters smoothened out. And once Suethor eventually drops the changing second person POVs the writing is quite grabbing. So why, you ask, did I give it such a high spot on the list? Well, first of all there are only five fanfics on here and this was one of the first ones I'd ever read in fanfiction period. Actually, if I hadn't read it I might not know what a Mary Sue is still and wouldn't be here today, sporking fanfics for all they've got. So in a weird way, thank you Hope. Thank you.
Favorite Quote: "What you see when you look at Hope is not what she is on the inside.
And she needs you.
More than both you and her will ever know." - Harry's matchmaking inner conscience
1. My Immortal - Tara Gilesbie
Come on, how could you not see this coming? My Immortal has been hailed as one of the worst fanfics ever to be written in the fandom of Harry Potter and fanfiction itself. It
tells the story of links together the random experiences of Ebony Evony Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and her sexploits with Draco in Leather Pants and Harry Potter Vampire and canon canon copiers all whilst slitting her wrists and listening to gothic goffik bands.
If you don't know about this fanfic by now then get out of my journal and read it. Now.
Now I know that it's been speculated that the Suethor is a troll but troll or genuine it's still a fucking hilaribad fanfic. Sure, you have to get past the atrocious spelling and grammar (that would give Grammar Nazis a heart attack) but it's a very well put-together trollfic, contradictory as that sounds. I highly recommend you play the My Immortal Drinking Game if you can get through it and if you have the time, try to read it aloud. I got to Chapter 27 before I had to take a break.
This if the kind of fanifc where everyone just knows it's universally bad. Even four year olds who can't read anything past "The Cat in the Hat" could realize that there's something wrong with this. But it's all so over-the-top that it just has to be a troll fic from the characters to the descriptions to the sex scenes and let's not forget some of the memorable quotes. Troll or not it's still my number one guilty pleasure.
Favorite Quote: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" -
So there you have it. I bid you all good bye and good night. Now get out of here before I spork you.